"What do you think is in der, Cwaig?" asked my new friend, Matt, in reference to the treehouse we both stared at in awe.
Matt was a physically deformed kid in my class. He had small Muppet-like ears, thick glasses like mason jars, and a long tube in his neck that he used for breathing. My mom, sensing how lonely I was in school, and knowing Matt's mom, began setting up play dates for us. When I met Matt, I was a little freaked out, if only because I had never seen someone with a gaping hole in their neck, but it didn't take long before I came to find that we shared a lot of the same interests: we both enjoyed playing Nintendo and we were both avid Ghostbuster fans. In fact, I began to enjoy going to over to Matt's because he'd always have a new Nintendo game or Ghostbuster toy to play with. I felt a little guilty for using Matt mostly to have access to a Proton Pack, but he enjoyed my company, and, I had to admit, I enjoyed his. He was my partner in crime - especially in this story.
But maybe I should back up a bit...
***
It was my second year of Kindergarten. I was held back because I spent my first year playing with toys and not paying attention to class. I remember the first day of my second year of school well, because I didn't understand that I had been held back. I simply followed my friends, Jessica and Matt, into the classroom for 1st-grade students and sat next to them like normal. The teacher did role call and then asked if there were any names that she hadn't called. I meekly raised my hand, and told her my name. The teacher made a call to the office, nodded, hung up, and told me, point blank, that I had been held back. The kids in class had a great laugh at my expense, as I walked out in shame, convinced I'd never see my friends again. This turned out to be true in Jessica's case.
So, there I was, in Kindergarten again, absolutely confused as to why I was still there. My teacher, Mrs. Honey, whom I had been calling "Mrs. Hey" because I couldn't be bothered to remember her actual name, carefully explained that if I wanted to make it to 1st-grade next year, I needed to pay better attention - particularly to what her name was. So I buckled down that year, and focused on work, which almost entirely consisted of art projects. I was beginning to develop a knack for drawing, which I showed off with great gusto, particularly to my new friend, Laura, who sat by me in class. Laura had brown hair, which she wore in a ponytail almost everyday, and she was constantly impressed with my artistic ability - consequently, the only girl in my LIFE who ever would be. I was only too happy to oblige, drawing anything she requested, from dinosaurs (my favorite subject to draw) to ponies, I could do them all. Laura had a thing for unicorns, and my ability to pull forth these creatures of myth and place them into the reality of a drawing made me a demigod in her eyes. She would sit next to me everyday as I drew, or colored, or did anything remotely artistic.
Then one day, she simply decided she was bored with that, and started sitting next to a kid named Mike. Mike was a little show-off, twirp who I happened to hate. He was a textbook overachiever, with rich and supportive parents who helped him every step of the way. He was the kind of kid who got to go to space camp every year. For our class Halloween party, he came dressed in a furry, full-bodied mouse outfit, as costume so elaborate he might as well walked off the set of Sesame Street. Meanwhile, Laura had dressed like unicorn, although her costume only consisted of a pitiful unicorn horn and normal clothes. I had begged and pleaded my parents for a Transformers costume, imagining myself stomping into class looking like Optimus Prime, and somehow transforming myself into a semi-truck, so that I could run over Mike, back up, and run over him again. What I got was a Transformers mask, and some kind of plastic pajamas with the Transformers logo on the front. I looked nothing like the robots in the cartoon, and what's more, some other kid in class came in dressed exactly like me. Stupid Mike had one the day in his mouse suit. I still have picture of myself trying desperately to impress Laura with my costume, only for her to be completely oblivious of it. My Transformer face is looking at the camera in grim, robotic supplication for help that will never come.
***
The situation was dire. I was all but erased from Laura's existence. Mind you, being as young as I was, I had no romantic interest in Laura. It just felt good to have someone paying attention to me. It filled me with a sense of bravado, that was all but alien to my usually shy disposition. So, there I stood, on the school playground, at recess. My friend Matt and I were staring at a new treehouse that some people that lived next to the school had built. Like any boy my age, I was absolutely fascinated by the very concept of a treehouse. It was possible to build a house in trees? Why didn't everyone live this way???
I had never been into a treehouse, and had only seen them on TV, or in movies. This treehouse was by far the most elaborately built one I had ever seen. A ladder led straight up to a tiny deck, and there was a little door that went into the house. The windows were tinted and dark, adding even more mystery and allure to the place. Since the appearance of the treehouse, all the kids at school would sometimes stop and stare, wondering what kind of treasures it contained. I daresay I was more obsessed with it than any kid in school.
"What do you think is in der?" Matt asked again, in his peculiar cadence.
"I don't know," I said, my eyes fixated on the house. I turned around to see Laura playing with stupid Mike, and I suddenly felt my blood boiling. Then I had an idea. I called over Laura. She ran over, with stupid Mike in tow, and I proclaimed my bold plan to climb over the school fence and explore the mystery treehouse, not unlike how Christoper Columbus proclaimed to Queen Isabella of Spain his intention to explore a faster route to India.
"You can get in trouble," Mike smugly pointed out.
"Pfft, you're just chicken!" I fired back. "Matt and I will explore the treehouse, just you watch!"
"Huh?" Matt exclaimed, suddenly aware that he was conscripted by me to undertake this mission.
***
After helping each other over the chain-link fence, Matt and I looked up at the treehouse. "Whoa... that's... that's a lot higher than I thought," I said. I looked across the fence to see Laura watching with expectation. Mike snorted that he was getting bored, and ran off to join a game of kick ball. Laura begin looking after him longingly. My morale quickly returned, and I announced: "Alright, here I go!"
I started up the ladder. It was a relatively easy climb, and I got to the miniature deck with little to no effort. I looked down at Matt's progress; he was still at the bottom. "Matt! Climb up!" I instructed.
"I can't!" He whined. "We're gonna get in twouble!" His throat tube made the gargling noise that it makes when he was truly in distress.
I rolled my eyes. "Alright, fine, I'll do this on my own, and you'll just miss it!" I opened the door and peered inside. The spring sunlight stabbed into the confining space of the treehouse, revealing the largest collection of He-man and Transformer toys I had ever seen. "By the Power of Grey-Skull..." I said breathlessly. I crawled into house, and slammed the door, as if afraid that my discovery would alert every kid on the playground, and they'd all fill the house until it exploded into shards of timber, toys, and children.
I dived into the harem of toys, and quickly began cataloging the ones that I owned versus the ones that I wanted. I wasn't going to steal the toys. Although my morals made plenty of room for breaking and entering, I wasn't some stinking thief... although the Starscream transformer was tempting... I had broken my Starscream within minutes of owning it because I didn't know how to transform it. I snapped out of my toy reverie enough to remember my original reason for being in the treehouse in the first place. I opened the window of the treehouse to wave at Laura, but she and Matt were both gone. Well, that took the wind out of my sails. Bah, I still had He-man and was that... the full Castle Greyskull set? It wasn't long before the struggle between good and evil on Eternia became my foremost priority, while the need to be at school became a distant memory.
***
Hours later, I strolled into school, feeling pretty proud of myself, and also feeling confident that I had learned a valuable lesson from the experience: if you see a treehouse, go inside, for it may be full of wonders beyond imagination. I wouldn't realize until adolescence how true that maxim would be, as treehouses would often by the favorite spot that all of my friends would hide porn. Isn't that the natural way of it, though? Out with the He-man figures, and in with the Hustlers. I suppose nowadays treehouses have wifi for such activities.
As I walked the halls of school, I began to notice that it was curiously devoid of students... of people, in general. I entered my classroom, and was greeted with the sight of the principal, my teachers, the police, and my parents, all looking at me with shock. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???" My mom exclaimed.
I stood there, my hands in my pockets, sheepishly looking around, before muttering that I had been in a treehouse. My answer caught everyone by surprise and they just stood there in bewilderment, before chewing me out all the same. It would be much like if you confronted a pack of wolves by dancing the Macarena, they'd probably be puzzled at first, even a little spooked, but they'd eat you all the same.
But, oh, it was worth it.
***
My stunt had bought me a little bit of outlaw cache with Laura, but it mattered very little, because she moved away after Kindergarten, and after first grade, so did I.
I had never been into a treehouse, and had only seen them on TV, or in movies. This treehouse was by far the most elaborately built one I had ever seen. A ladder led straight up to a tiny deck, and there was a little door that went into the house. The windows were tinted and dark, adding even more mystery and allure to the place. Since the appearance of the treehouse, all the kids at school would sometimes stop and stare, wondering what kind of treasures it contained. I daresay I was more obsessed with it than any kid in school.
"What do you think is in der?" Matt asked again, in his peculiar cadence.
"I don't know," I said, my eyes fixated on the house. I turned around to see Laura playing with stupid Mike, and I suddenly felt my blood boiling. Then I had an idea. I called over Laura. She ran over, with stupid Mike in tow, and I proclaimed my bold plan to climb over the school fence and explore the mystery treehouse, not unlike how Christoper Columbus proclaimed to Queen Isabella of Spain his intention to explore a faster route to India.
"You can get in trouble," Mike smugly pointed out.
"Pfft, you're just chicken!" I fired back. "Matt and I will explore the treehouse, just you watch!"
"Huh?" Matt exclaimed, suddenly aware that he was conscripted by me to undertake this mission.
***
After helping each other over the chain-link fence, Matt and I looked up at the treehouse. "Whoa... that's... that's a lot higher than I thought," I said. I looked across the fence to see Laura watching with expectation. Mike snorted that he was getting bored, and ran off to join a game of kick ball. Laura begin looking after him longingly. My morale quickly returned, and I announced: "Alright, here I go!"
I started up the ladder. It was a relatively easy climb, and I got to the miniature deck with little to no effort. I looked down at Matt's progress; he was still at the bottom. "Matt! Climb up!" I instructed.
"I can't!" He whined. "We're gonna get in twouble!" His throat tube made the gargling noise that it makes when he was truly in distress.
I rolled my eyes. "Alright, fine, I'll do this on my own, and you'll just miss it!" I opened the door and peered inside. The spring sunlight stabbed into the confining space of the treehouse, revealing the largest collection of He-man and Transformer toys I had ever seen. "By the Power of Grey-Skull..." I said breathlessly. I crawled into house, and slammed the door, as if afraid that my discovery would alert every kid on the playground, and they'd all fill the house until it exploded into shards of timber, toys, and children.
I dived into the harem of toys, and quickly began cataloging the ones that I owned versus the ones that I wanted. I wasn't going to steal the toys. Although my morals made plenty of room for breaking and entering, I wasn't some stinking thief... although the Starscream transformer was tempting... I had broken my Starscream within minutes of owning it because I didn't know how to transform it. I snapped out of my toy reverie enough to remember my original reason for being in the treehouse in the first place. I opened the window of the treehouse to wave at Laura, but she and Matt were both gone. Well, that took the wind out of my sails. Bah, I still had He-man and was that... the full Castle Greyskull set? It wasn't long before the struggle between good and evil on Eternia became my foremost priority, while the need to be at school became a distant memory.
***
Hours later, I strolled into school, feeling pretty proud of myself, and also feeling confident that I had learned a valuable lesson from the experience: if you see a treehouse, go inside, for it may be full of wonders beyond imagination. I wouldn't realize until adolescence how true that maxim would be, as treehouses would often by the favorite spot that all of my friends would hide porn. Isn't that the natural way of it, though? Out with the He-man figures, and in with the Hustlers. I suppose nowadays treehouses have wifi for such activities.
As I walked the halls of school, I began to notice that it was curiously devoid of students... of people, in general. I entered my classroom, and was greeted with the sight of the principal, my teachers, the police, and my parents, all looking at me with shock. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???" My mom exclaimed.
I stood there, my hands in my pockets, sheepishly looking around, before muttering that I had been in a treehouse. My answer caught everyone by surprise and they just stood there in bewilderment, before chewing me out all the same. It would be much like if you confronted a pack of wolves by dancing the Macarena, they'd probably be puzzled at first, even a little spooked, but they'd eat you all the same.
But, oh, it was worth it.
***
My stunt had bought me a little bit of outlaw cache with Laura, but it mattered very little, because she moved away after Kindergarten, and after first grade, so did I.
Your writing reminds me of a straight David Sedaris. lol I really like it! And if you ever feel the urge to draw a dinosaur, I could use a Craig Williams original piece of art! ;-) I love dinosaurs and I have seen your impressive drawing abilities!
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