Girl #3: "Dina & the Raging Albino Clown"

I. Mud in my Eye

We moved out to the countryside, right outside of Bowling Green. This was my first time moving anywhere, and quite frankly, the concept blew my mind. Up till then, I had not considered that it was possible for us to simply pack our things and move into another house, and the prospect excited me. I was especially excited by the idea of going to a new school, as I was none too thrilled with my old one, especially after an incident during the last week of my classes. I had been standing in front of the school, waiting for my parents, precariously teetering off the edge of the front stoop, admittedly making a good target of myself for potential bullies, when I suddenly felt two hands shove me, and I seemed to float for a few seconds, like Wile E. Coyote, until I finally plummeted face down into a large mud puddle. Since screaming in terror is the natural reaction when falling a few feet, I not only found myself totally caked in mud, but a large amount of it ended up in my mouth. That officially answered the question I had much pondered, even while staring at the mud from the comfort of my stoop pre-fall: mud did not taste a thing like chocolate. No, sir.

I also learned something else that day - it was my first lesson in how cruel the world could be. We all have that singular moment in our lives when we first discover this, and our innocent perception of life, which is nurtured by bedtime stories and Mr. Rogers, is irrevocably shattered. I remember feeling a sense of shock and betrayal after I hit the mud, and I wondered, "How could someone do this to another person? What did I do to deserve this???"

My parents arrived to find me standing in front of the school, covered in mud, crying my eyes out. It wouldn't be the first time they would drop me off somewhere, only to pick me up an emotional wreck, but let's not get ahead of myself...

II. My New Friend Nintendo...

The new house might as well have been a castle, compared to our old one. This one had a basement! I was also getting my own room for the first time in my life, which was a prospect that thrilled me to no end. My grandparents gave me an old school desk for the occasion, which I thought was the most amazing gift anyone had ever given me at that point in my life... until I got a Nintendo...

Life in the country can be really lonely and dull. We didn't have cable, so no more watching MTV like I used to in the old house. The only kid that lived close to us was a little prick down the street who I hated to hang out with, but I did anyway because he had this magical device known as a Nintendo. At that point, I was already infatuated with video games. In the old house, my uncle would sometimes pick me up from school, take me to Wendy's for a frosty (another food item I hypothesized mud tasted like, and was terribly wrong), and then we'd go to the arcade, where I watched him play video games in profound fascination. My uncle was the kind of gamer that people would stop and watch because he was so good at them. His two favorite games were Ikari Warriors and Punch-Out (the original arcade version):





I hardly ever played anything, because quite frankly, the arcade games intimidated the shit out of me. They were loud, flashy, and only adults seemed to know how to play them. Then one day I went over to my grandparents' and my grandpa was playing Ghosts n' Goblins for the Nintendo. I was astounded to see a video game on the television! Here was something I could sink my teeth into! The controller was so sleek, and intuitive... and the game was easy enough to figure out: zombie rise from the grave, you stab said zombies with javelins. Easy-peezy. Whereas arcade games were for grown ups, Nintendo seemed more... benign. After I was introduced to Super Mario Bros, well, that was about all she wrote...

The point I'm getting at is, living in the country, there wasn't much for me to do. My imagination tided me over for so long before it wasn't sufficient. I didn't have any friends to play with. So I desperately wanted, no, NEEDED a Nintendo. I couldn't stand being at the mercy at the little asshole kid that lived down the street any longer. Finally, one fated Christmas, my grandparents gave me a Nintendo, and one of the first games I rented was The Legend of Zelda...

I loved The Legend of Zelda, despite the fact that I had no clue how to play it. I loved the golden cartridge, which made the game seem like a treasure dug up from the tomb of some forgotten king. What I loved most of all, though, was the story... well, the story that is provided by the instruction manual. The game itself didn't have much of a narrative, but that was all the better, because it allowed me to create a story of my own.

The main aspect of the game I found interesting, though, was that the protagonist, Link, seemed no older than I was! Up to that point, my only heroes were He-Man and Optimus Prime. I had never considered that someone my age could be considered a hero, yet here was Link, a young boy, sword in hand, on a dangerous quest to save a beautiful princess from an evil wizard, and as the one playing the game, I was helping him along every step of the way. It had a profound effect on my outlook of the world that served as a direct counterpoint to the mud puddle incident: the world could be cruel, but not if someone has the courage to take up their sword, as it were, and defend innocent people from getting pushed into mud puddles.

III. Dina's Love Letter

I started school not long after we moved into the new house. I had become so bored with being isolated in the country, and since this was before I had a Nintendo, the boredom was nearly unbearable. So, in a complete departure from my initial dread of school when I first started, I embraced the prospect of having something to do, and other kids to play with.

The school I went to was as simple as one would expect a public elementary school in the country to be. It was a normal school, not some archaic one-room building like in a Mark Twain novel, but it was small, which made it a lot less intimidating than my previous school. The teachers were mostly nice, and the other students welcomed me into their fold surprisingly quick. I enjoyed my classes, especially reading. Living in the country definitely showed me the value of learning to read, if only to have something else to do that will bide my time. Once I grasped the fundamentals of reading, I read voraciously. My parents could not keep up with my appetite for books, which lead to me begging for money whenever the Book Fair would come to my school (one of my favorite events of the YEAR), only for me to either receive enough money to buy maybe one book, or just plain no money at all. The Book Fair was an organization that would come to school annually, and sell a wonderful variety of books, school supplies, and fruit shaped erasers (yes, I was still infatuated with them at the time). I really can't express to you how excited I was on Book Fair day, so you can imagine how crushed I would be when I wouldn't be able to buy anything because my parents couldn't afford it.

It wasn't that my parents were negligent assholes - they were just kids themselves! My mom had me at sixteen, and my dad was about nineteen. So, when we moved out to the country, they were still in their early 20s, and both working crappy jobs: my mom was working in a home for juvenile delinquents, and my dad had quit a job as a janitor for a hospital to work 3rd shift at a bakery that made cookies and shit for Kroger. So, two kids, a house they were renting, and a car they were making payments on, it's a wonder they could afford clothes for us, much less books. However, my mom, being proud that I was so into reading, would slip me a five with my lunch money from time to time when Book Fair came around.

I excelled in reading class - so much so, that I began earning privileges, such as being allowed to play boardgames or draw if I finished my assignments early enough (which I almost always did). The only other person in the class who read at my level was a girl named Dina. I had met Dina on my first day of school and sat next to her at breakfast. I had a crush on her almost immediately. She had curly brown hair, big brown eyes, and freckles that accentuated each cheek, especially when she smiled. We became fast friends, and now that I think about it, I don't think I've had a relationship with a girl, before or since, that was as simple and easy as that one ended up being (not that our 3rd grade romance would be remotely considered a "relationship").

We grew closer as we played each other in various boardgames during class. I had begun developing quite the sense of humor by then, showing all the signs of a class clown in progress. I had such a hard time relating to people as a child, but I began to notice how my dad would always be the center of attention at social functions because of how funny he was - and he was really funny! My dad was so good at relating funny stories that people would be out of breath laughing so hard. It hadn't really gelled yet as a life lesson, but I began to see that other people valued humor, and that it was important to be funny if I was to have any friends.

Dina loved my jokes, which mostly consisted of drawing funny pictures of people in class, or just things I made up on the spot. We used to play a card game called Old Maid, and the teacher made the deck herself. The actual Old Maid card was a comically horrendously drawn stick figure, sashaying on the face of the card, sporting a hat with a flower on it. The picture made us both laugh so hard, we would make quite a spectacle of ourselves in our little corner, forcing the teacher to give us reproving glances from time to time. I would often hide the card up my sleeve, only to unleash it on Dina when she least suspected, causing her to erupt in fits of uncontrollable giggling.

One day, we were playing Tic-Tac-Toe, when during her turn, she wrote a little note on the game sheet that read: WOULD YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND - YES/NO/MAYBE. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't believe this angel, this princess, would want me as her boyfriend! With shakey hands, I wrote, in very large letters: HELL YEAH!

This made us both laugh so hard the teacher made us sit back at our desks.

Of course, we weren't really in a relationship in the mature sense of the word. "Boyfriend" or "girlfriend" were just titles we didn't entirely understand. As a matter of fact, Dina had two other boyfriends besides me, which I didn't mind at all, and neither did they. It's weird, now that I think about it, how monogamy has almost corrupted our innocent minds into believing that a person ought to belong to another person, and that's how it is. In reality, and I speak from the standpoint of someone currently living through a situation where monogamy has spoiled a friendship (long story, all of which will undoubtedly be told on here in the future), the fact that such a wonderful person, that makes you feel happy at all in this humdrum world, even exists should outweigh who they are currently existing with. All Dina and I knew was that we enjoyed each others' company immensely, and that was all that mattered.

IV. The Albino Strikes

Everyone remembers their very first bully, but not many had one quite like mine. My first bully was like something a villain from Batman. His name was Daryl. He was a freakishly tall, ghostly pale albino kid, with close cropped white hair, eyes which seemed to be perpetually squinting, and a bulbous, red nose (the only part of his body with any pigmentation), which gave him the overall look of a circus clown. In fact, my usual retaliation to his taunts was to call him a circus clown, which would make the class erupt with laughter, but Daryl to erupt with barely contained rage.

Daryl hated me for several reasons. Firstly, he was an older kid who had been held back in 3rd grade twice by that point. So he was dumber than shit. He would spend most of the time in class disrupting our lessons with strategically placed fart noises, which was about the only contribution he would make in the class. He refused to do homework, take tests, or do anything else that remotely resembled being cooperative. So, being that I was one of the best students in the class, he targeted me as the antithesis of everything he stood for. This resulted in almost every word I'd say during class being very poorly mocked by him, until he would be asked to leave the classroom. That was the only good thing about Daryl - he was almost never in class, because he would either get kicked out, or he'd have to attend the "special class" for asshole kids. Thankfully, I only had to deal with him sparingly, and my clown jokes were usually enough to shut him down. I was smarter than him, funnier than him, and certainly more well liked, and he hated me for it.

What he hated me the most for, though, was that Dina was my girlfriend. You see, Daryl had a crush on Dina too, but like most other girls, or humans for that matter, she thought he was cretinous slug and refused to talk to him. It's funny, now that I think about it, girls are a lot smarter about that staying away from assholes before puberty than they are afterward. Go figure. It infuriated him to no end that she liked me more than him, and eventually, one day, the anger boiled over.

During class one day, Daryl's jealousy had made him cross a line, and he turned his attention to Dina. The teacher had left to run copies, while we took a quiz. Daryl started off by mocking her, his usual opening salvo, before he upped the ante by throwing spit wads at her. Dina's face became beet red with anger and humiliation, made all the worse by her naturally sweet disposition, which made it difficult for her to put Daryl in his place. Her mild pleas for him to stop, coupled with her pouting, only made her a more satisfying target. I, on the other hand, did not have a sweet disposition, and I did not like seeing my girlfriend bullied by this asshole. So, in front of the class, I told Daryl to cut it out. He laughed, and observed in front of everyone, "Look at Craig, defending his girlfriend." He had used the tried and tested move of using the word "girlfriend" as a word to defame someone, and kids being kids, everyone giggled at this. I guess every idiot has to get laughs some day. Daryl's shameless harassment of Dina, mixed with his rare, successful taunt, infuriated me so much that I shot back without thought, or care, of the consequences. I stood up and screamed, with an almost manic tone of righteous zeal: "YOU'RE JUST ANGRY BECAUSE DINA DON'T DOESN'T LIKE CLOWNS, BOZO!"

This caused a hush to sweep over the class, followed by a chorus of "Ooooooh!" Feeling the momentum on my side, though, I continued, "Go back to juggling balls, or throwing balls in buckets, or whatever it is you CLOWNS do with balls!" The class laughed at my provocative use of the word "balls", and the battle of wits was done, with me as the victor. However, Daryl looked as if he was ready for a battle of a different sort, right then and there, but the teacher walked in, and we all resumed taking our quizzes, as if that had been what we were doing the entire time.

I had not felt like I was in any danger the rest of that day. Daryl went to his special ed classes, we all went to lunch, spent another hour in class, before going out to recess. Dina and I spent recess walking the track together, enjoying the spring weather, when I noticed one of my friends, his eyes wild with fear, frantically pointing behind me. I turned to see Daryl, snarling with rage, sprinting across the field like a rabid bull, his normally snowy white skin now turned a lava red that matched his clownish nose. Like a freight train, he barreled toward us with such speed, it would have been impossible to get of his way, and it looked for all the world like he intended to hurt both of us! I didn't have much time, but I had enough time to think. As time slowed down, and Daryl slowly, but surely, made his way to us, I closed my eyes, and asked myself, "What would Link do in this situation?"

Yes, I really did ask myself that.

Opening them, I imagined myself in Link's brown and green garb, sword in one hand, and shield in the other. The Legend of Zelda theme swelled to a crescendo in my head, fueling the part of my brain that was either responsible for acts of bravery, or acts of incredible stupidity. Without a moment's further consideration, I shoved Dina away, right as the albino tank collided with me. Despite my visualization of having a shield, unfortunately, my shield-less arm did not absorb the impact - my entire body did. I flew, for what seemed like several, blissful seconds, before I landed on the ground, and all the air left my lungs. Most of my memory of this event is hazy, probably due to the foot that Daryl delivered to my face as a parting shot before running away.

I don't know how many of you have ever been kicked in the face, but it's not as fun as martial arts movies make it look. My head rang like a bell and my vision swam as I fought with my brain for consciousness. I had gotten lucky - in reality, Daryl's foot hadn't made full contact with my face, but just sort of strafed it. If that albino bastard had played soccer, I wouldn't be typing this right now. As the ringing subsided, I could hear Dina screaming epithets at Daryl, who retreated, laughing the whole way. She helped me up and stumbled by her side to a teacher, whereby she explained what had happened, and the teacher, after making sure I was okay, went off in search of Daryl. Dina sat with me, as I fought to regain my bearings, and she nursed my mouth, which had begun bleeding. She told me that I had done a really brave thing, and that if there was anything she could do to repay me, she would do it. Ever the opportunist, I asked for a kiss on a cheek - mind you, I had no interest in kissing girls yet, but from the cartoons I had watched, it seemed like the perfect way to treat an injured hero. Dina giggled, kissed me on the cheek, and I felt a second wind of energy go through me like a wave. It was like whenever Popeye ate his spinach, and his muscles would ripple with strength. I jumped up, and whooped in victory, despite the copper taste of blood in my mouth, feeling like I had lost the battle, I had won the day.

V. Good-bye Dina...

My parents were called about what had happened, and they were furious... well, my mom was anyway. Dad became more determined to make me play football so I would toughen up and never have that happen to me again. They demanded that Daryl be put into a different class than me, which was a moot point. It turned out that he had a history of violent behavior, and kicking the face of a fellow student was the last straw. Daryl the Albino Clown was taken out of school and sent to a juvenile equivalent of Arkham Asylum, where ever the hell they send crazy delinquent Batman villains-in-training.

However, Daryl could have stayed for all the difference it made, because by summer, we ended up moving again. My dad got a job in Louisville, and we were moving in with my aunt and uncle until a house could be found. It pained me to leave behind a small school that I was excelling in; the new friends I had made; and more importantly, my first "real" girlfriend, Dina. She gave me a school picture that she had signed the back of as a farewell gift, and included her phone number for me to keep in touch.

Although I was truly fond of her, I never called her.